I have a strong desire to keep the posts here positive, in an attempt to provide some inspiration and perhaps support to fellow-ADHDers, but if I’m to provide a true picture of what this life is like, then that’s not always possible. In fact it would be the equivalent of all the fake ‘check out how together my life is’ pictures I know so many people post on Facebook.
Fake is something I’ve never been.
So at the moment I’m going through a bit of a blue patch. It happens. It seems to happen about this time each year and leaves me always feeling that I really need to just suck it up, stop whining and get on with things. I put it down to work stress or the lack of sunshine this time of year, low vitamin D or iron or…
But I’ve been trying to shake it for a couple of months now and still I’m constantly a few seconds away from tears on most days if I pause long enough to feel.
And I thought no-one could tell, but then a colleague I don’t even see too often saw me today and said she could tell I need holidays as she hadn’t seen me smile in ages.
I smile – always at my students throughout the day to welcome them, chat with them, console them etc etc. But I’ll admit it’s been ‘work smiling’.
I think something that really hit today was that another colleague, whom I always support and who always needs supporting, asked for a favour today and I had to offer it in another way as I was spreading myself too thin. I sort of explained a few reasons why things were a little rough at the moment and the person was pretty dismissive and uninterested.
It just made the aloneness feel bigger and also made me make a mental note not to invest in this individual anymore – a conclusion I seem to have reached later than anyone else as usual.
I’m battling the same things as always – feelings of overwhelm and exhaustion. I’ve been ill on and off again for months, the kids are just hard everyday – not a day goes by without some sort of conflict which leaves us all absolutely drained. I wonder sometimes if they’re on the spectrum because there are enough traits. I’m just so tired, worn out, burnt out.
Today, to add to this, I found out the new paediatrician we have to see (the other one resigned) is going to cost us an absolute fortune! And THAT makes me angry too – especially the fact that families like ours have to cover these costs ourselves with no funding or support while others with similar issues that happen to be ‘funded’ disabilities have the costs covered.
ADHD families surely have enough stress in their lives without additional financial burdens.
And then there’s the irony of the downward ADHD spiral I’ve been in.
Putting off my own psych appointments (despite needing to refill a prescription) because of the financial issues, which made me stress that I would run out of medication before then, so I’ve been rationing the tablets…. and thus my ADHD has been poorly managed the past few months, procrastinating and getting stressed and not coping as well as I could with everything, being tired again…. and then feeling horribly guilty about being so miserable , ungrateful and piss-weak and no fun for my kids etc etc when I have so much to be grateful for in reality and….. well, it goes on. And let’s not forget those niggling thoughts of, ‘Well, I haven’t died/been sacked/had anything terrible happen despite not taking my medication so maybe I don’t really have ADHD – I’m just a bit pathetic…
Yes, those thoughts still manage to intrude even though it’s been 2 years since the diagnosis and I’ve learnt enough since to know there’s little doubt. I meant to go to the ADHD support group meeting this week…. and forgot! (of course!) Oh the irony!
Today panic set in that my licence depends on seeing my psych every 2 years at least and that was coming up soon, and that the holidays was a good chance and I’d left it so late I’d miss that chance etc….. so that spurred me into action and I just called (even though the internet site said they were closed) and what do you know, a receptionist picked up and got me in, in 2 weeks.
So now I know I can be properly medicated for the next couple of weeks and funnily enough by the time I see her, I’ll probably be feeling happy and well.
And if the irony of that wasn’t enough, my day job predominantly involves supporting kids and their families with strategies to manage their ADHD! Ha!
Tomorrow will be a better day. Tomorrow will be a medicated day, the last day of term, and less ADHD tainted day.
Tomorrow I’ll write the positive post I’d hoped I’d be able to write.